i don’t feel very pretty today.
it’s just one of those rushed feelings i got.
and i woke up today.
and i slept a good 10 hours.
thank God for sleeping pills.
i think i’m getting happier.
because i made my peace with God last night.
and i’m not over the slut.
but at least i’m happier.
except i don’t feel pretty today.

i need new pictures.
but i have 2 rolls of polaroids laying in my purse.
i’ll use them up tommorow.
i’m planning on going to Times Square.
and i heard Panic! at the Disco shall be there.
i hope it’s all it’s perked up to be.

i know the new year shall be different.
people are disappointing.

a pony. i really want a freaking pony. and i’m sick of people looking at me like it’s impossible because it’s really not. i want a real pony. i don’t know were you can get it. but i honestly think that if you look it up on Google or even Ebay you’ll find it. i really want one for my birthday because it’s too late for x-mas. the only reason why someone can’t get it for me is because they’re really lazy. money is not an issue because some people get cars for like a dollar or sometimes they get it for free and a pony is smaller than a car. so there. i really want a pony.

oh yes and a disposable digital camera from Longs.

oh oh and a disposable digital camcorder from Longs or at any participating retailer that carries them.

and they really do carry them. just look.

wtf.
why can’t i get over these things?
they make me extreamely mad and seriously i think i’m obsessed with freaking Brennan.
i have a very hard time with letting things ago.
and i know he probably parties with his ganster hyphy friends and it makes me mad because he flirts just like i do but when i flirt i don’t know why i’m doing it.
and then i think about it and i get all embarassed and i’m like wtf am i doing.
and i stop.
and i just want to have sex with him over and over again.
i want to get drunk with him and have that kind of drunk sex where i wake up and i’m like “wtf happened?”
and i want to get so fucking high with him and have some sort of sex and we’d just hang out being high as fuck and that’s it.
that’s what i want to do with him.
i don’t know why.
lately i’ve been masturbating and i’m just like “ah fuck me brennan fuck me”
and that’s the only time he’s “real” to me.
because half of the time i miss him.
and the other half i’m trying to forget him.
everything reminds me of him.
i’m wondering if he’ll call me for my birthday.
i’m wondering if he still loves me.
if he still thinks about me just as much as i do.
i’m hoping he’s not in love with someone else.
i’m hoping he’s still going to come back.
and even if he doesn’t i’m hoping i’ll still get to fool around with him one last time.
i just want to get so fucking wasted and he’ll be wasted too and he’ll say stupid things and laugh the way he fucking does and lay on the bed and i’ll slurr in my speech and half cry and half whine and half talk to him in some horny little voice and get on top of him and tell him that i want to fuck like this. 
and he’d kind of say no keren i can’t keren stop.
and i’ll keep going and i’ll start to take off his belt and lift his shirt up and tell him fuck me brennan i want you to fuck me.
and then he’ll fucking laugh and say something stupid and we’ll both laugh and then i’ll just be so wasted.
and i’ll keep taking off his belt and unzip his pants.
and then he’ll be like “fucking a. i can’t do this shit keren. wtf. keren.”and i’ll be like but i want to fuck.
and he’ll get horny and i’ll start to hump him or something.
and then he’ll just get harder and harder and harder.
and then he’ll look up at me and be like “don’t tell anyone that i fucking raped you then. you raped me”
and then i’d just be like “fine then i’ll rape you brennan i’ll rape you but just fuck me the way i want you to fuck me.”
and then finally he’d start to unbutton my pants and put his hands under my shirt and take it off and then he’d start to grab my bra straps and be like ‘fuck i hate this i don’t know how to take this shit off”.
and then he’ll take it off and then he’ll sit up and i’ll take his shirt off.
and then he’d be in his boxer and i’ll be just in my panties and then he’d be like “ahh wait a minute i gotta put a condom on”
and he’d put it on and he’d laugh because he’s so drunk.
and then he’d put it on and he wouldn’t be that fucking drunk.
i’d be that fucking drunk.
i’d be drunk off my ass.
and then he’d take his boxers off and throw them on the ground and then grab me and take my panties off and he’d slide them off and throw them on the ground and i’d start to laugh and he’d grab my legs and he’d put me right on top of him and he’d start to fuck me and look at me and i’d start o moan and thrust back and he’d lay back and fuck me fast and hard and i’d keep moaning and moaning and tell him to fuck me harder and fuck me harder and he’d keep going and he’d feel how wet i am and i’d tell him it hurts and he’d keep going and he’d keep going and i’d moan and moan and moan and then we’d be doing that for like 15 minutes and then finally i’d say oh fuck me like that like that brennan like that ahh fuck me like that and then he’d just insert it in really hard and say uh like that like that like that huh like that and then he’d start to cum and i’d moan louder and then i’d start to cum and he’d feel my pussy get tight and then let go and then get tight and let go and he’d still thrust it in more while he’s coming and then he’d finally stop. and i’d laugh. and he’d laugh. and i’d fall asleep.
hahaha i have it all planned inside my fucking head.

 went shopping today.
mm-hmm.
i got a very cute double brested blue jacket from Banana Republic.
i got a wool big button sweater.
from there too.
i got a low cute jewel top from Charlotte Russe.
and a really mod yellow top from there too.
and i got new ballet flats that are copper color from American Eagle.
i really love all my new clothes.
i straightened out most of my hair.
but i have to finish it tommorow.
and i told my mom about how i feel about this whole Brennan thing.
she told me that he wasn’t for me.
but she was glad that we got the chance to be with each tother.
because he came to California to help me with my boxes and slept on the floor just for me.
and she said that was very sweet.
but i know he’s never coming to New York.
he likes California.
and i don’t give a fuck about California anymore.
there’s nothing there for me anymore.
except for my stuff in Carol’s garage.
that’s it.
nothing else.
he flirts too much with other girls.
and he never called me.
fuck Brennan.

even Marissa and Ryan don’t stay together. 
and James Frey and Lily.
and Romeo and Juliet.
and Brenda and Andrew.

umm umm.
i miss Princess Mia.
but whatever.
whatever.

i wrote a song today.
in French.
i still have to figure out the tempo.
but i already have a beat for it in mind.
by Edith Piaf.
the song is going to be cute.
i guarantee it.

NYC is just like Emerald city in the Wizard of Oz.
just like it.
i’m skipping school tommorow and i’m going to to go the city.
you can find me there taking polaroids and visiting Tiffany’s on Madison Avenue.
you will spot me with my Leopard dress, my black skinny jeans, my velvet ballet slippers, my big black sunglasses and finally my Chloe doctor’s bag.

meet me at the top of the empire state building at 5 for drinks?

i dunno i feel like i’m getting fat.
like i just feel like it.
maybe because i’m full.
i ate spaghetti and a lot of rice krispies.
but for sure i feel like i’m getting fat.
and i don’t want to be fucking fat.
that would suck.
fat people suck.
and i don’t want to be fat.
no nonononononononon.
i basically just stand around in P.E. and go to the bathroom every once in a while to look at myself in the mirror.
so i’m not sure.
mmmm.
but i saw myself in pictures.
and i don’t look fat at all.
not at all.
but i don’t know.
i spent the entire time today downloading Clash songs.
i very much love them.
favorite band.
my throat hurts.
i have bad posture.
and i want to watch the Fox and the Hound but i don’t know where the remote is so i can’t change it to the 100’s channel just by pressing the buttons on the T.V.
i went to G.S.A. today and started to feel a little uncomfortable.
since i’m not gay and i don’t really know if i would belong there anyway even though i know that’s not the case.
lately i feel and i pretend that Brennan is here and that i’m arguing with him about why this is working and how we’re not supposed to be together and i worry about things that i would worry about if i was still talking to him and then it just frustrates me and embarasses me.
last night i was finishing the Bell Jar and she was talking about overdosing on the pills and i remembered about Jade doing that to herself and how she called Brennan and started slurring in her speech and she told him what she had done and then Ryan came and broke her window or something and took her to the hospital and then she was gone for a few days and i wondered where she was and everyone kept it a secret and Ryan seemed quiet and i thought something funny was in the air.
and then i remembered how i tried to do it that one time and how horrible it was to throw up and how i didn’t even have the strengh to do anything. i just laid in bed and cried. and then my mom told me to take off my clothes and take a cold shower and then i started to throw up and then she saw the pills and told me to come out of the shower and then i got out and i felt so dizzy and i wanted to faint but i couldn’t and my sister was on the phone and i told her and she didn’t believe me and i started to cry even harder and then i started to throw up on the toilet and my mom was angry and she started to pull my hair and throw me around and say stuff that i could hear and i couldn’t feel and i just kept crying and then she just kept complaining and then she fed me oil and carrots and i wanted to go to sleep but she wouldn’t let me and then she took me to the hospital and i hanged my head out on the window and then i got to the hospital and i couldn’t even explain what i had done i was so goddamn tired and then they took me in and they asked me what happened and i was drowsy and kept crying and telling them i took pills and then i kept throwing up and then they stuck a stupid tube up my nose all the way down to my stomach and pumped charcoal into my stomach and i kept throwing up and throwing up and my throat hurt and i was so sleepy and then i kept sleeping in between and throwing up in between and then finally i slept and i woke up in a hospital.
a nicer one.
and i kept thinking about Jerry and dreaming about Jerry and wishing he was here and i kept saying i wanted to talk to Jerry and i missed Jerry.
and he never came.
and it was a horrible place to be in.
and i thought about it last night.
and if i really did it again.
and if Brennan found me.
and how he would react if i begged him and pleaded and sobbed for him not to take me to the hospital because they were going to pump my stomach and put me in the mental hospital and do awful things to me.
and i knew he’d just cry and tell me he didn’t know what to do.
and i’d want to go to sleep and he’d get worried when i did and would wake me up and shake me and hold me and cry and ask me why i was doing this.
and i’d cry and cry and cry and beg him not to take me to the hospital.
but at one point i’d know that i’d throw up every time and i’d pass out and i know if i did Brennan would immeadiately keep trying to wake me up and then i’d just not respond and he’d call 911 and then he’d ride in the ambulance with me with tears in his eyes and he’d feel so scared.
i just thought about that.
sometimes i feel like people think i’m ugly just because i have crooked teeth but maybe that doesn’t really matter at all.
and i think that Brennan would think that was ugly.
and i don’t know what to say about that.
and i’m confused about why God would do this.

That Girl.
has anyone seen that show?
it’s absolutely fantastic.
absolutely fantastic.
about a young girl in 1966 living in Manhattan and she has a diplomatic boyfriend and she’s aspiring to be an actress but has all these crazy jobs and lives in crazy Manhattan.
it’s a sitcom.
it’s wonderful.
i really do like it.
her makeup is wonderful.
fake lashes were so in.
and so was eyeliner.
i woke up early this morning.
and i thought we were going to the city.
but Veronique got sick.
so we’re all just going out for dinner.
i think i shall watch Mean Girls.
if i have time for it.
i prayed and begged and cried and pleaded today.
for certain matters that have been on my mind.
and this fear.
this fear.
but i feel in peace.
i know God knows what he’s doing.
he knows what he’s doing.
and i thank him because he always knows what he’s doing.

i feel like i’m better.
i really do feel like that.
yesterday i felt it.
like i’m getting better.
like he can be with someone and i’m ok with it.
like he can be millions of miles away and i’m ok with it.
i think about these things.
i think about when i cry and when i feel bad.
and i feel like it’s all destroyed and it’s all over.
and i lay in my bed.
if he was there.
and if we pretended he had been there all along.
he would just say “i love you.”
“out of all my promises that i’ve made you, forget them. except this one. that i’ll always look out for you.”
i remember he said.
i remember he said his heart is mine.
he said it’s mine.
and he knows he’s wrong.
and he let me down.
he knows very well.
and wishes he could say he wasn’t.
but he knows so well he can’t.
and i just pretend.
because i know.
i know.
deep down inside.
he does say that.
because he saw sparks.
he saw sparks when he met me.
and he’ll remember everything i sang.
he still has my littlers.
and i still have one picture left.
that got there by coincidence most likely.
but it’s in there.
and oh.
i still got one left.
i still got his memory.
i still got that.

and i still love him.
although he drove me away.
he won’t call.
he knows what i’ll say.
he thinks he knows what i’ll say.
but i know.
i know.
i have this song.
called Sparks.
by Coldplay.
and he sings it to me.
he sings it to me so it won’t be that bad.
so it won’t be that bad.
so when he says “i love you.”

i say “i love you with all my heart Brennan.”

these are the things i can’t really comprehend.
how your mood can chnage all in one.
i think i might have my period.
because i’m really going off the top.
jeez.
we’re watching some stupid history video at the moment.
but this is one of those htings i really want to see.
we had a technology code assembly.
it’s really scary to see how these things are now controlled.
how easy it is to be seen by others and be prohibited many times.
i htought we were going to have a quiz today but i guess we’re watching a movie.
i talked to that brennan-look alike guy.
i just asked him whta happened to his face.
and he said that on the commer trip he stood in poison ivy.
i gasped and saw everything.
and it’s not him.
he’s having lunch with her on saturday i think.
but i think she’s more of a friend than anything.
maybe he just desperately needs someone to talk to.
thank God that i don’t snore.
people probably think that i’m quiet and stuff.
but that’s only because i am here.
i really am just quiet.
when i’m here.
california is really starting to be missing in my life.
and i keep thinking this Brennan thing was probably for the best.
it’s ok i guess.

this is the most weirdest blog yet.
does everyone remember Jerry?
haha my first love everyone?
yes yes.
he plays football now according to him and is now happy with a girl named Genevive.
that’s funny.
and weird too.
all at the same time.
he smokes weeds and stuff.
everyone does right?
well the select few like me.
and steffy.
and adri who quit now.
and brandi.
my curls are crazy.
crazy crazy.
i wonder what this has all been about.
i don’t cry about Jerry anymore.
i just get embarassed about all the stupid things i did.
hahah but i mostly laugh.
because i was a little girl who still liked him.
hahah.
but yea.
so far none of this all makes sense.
but it all does.
i remembered Ryan last night.
we used to hang out in front of our houses afterschool.
i used to kiss him.
and he would kiss me.
isn’t that weird that we still talk like this?
like old friends.
we still laugh at funny things and make fun of each other.
hahaha i love that.
and finally i can think about Martin without crying.
it’s been a little bit over a year.
let’s see for Jerry i still think about it sometimes.
and that’s been 4 years now.
WOW.
but i don’t really cry.
i just think about how i really wanted to be with him.
and how much i really loved him.
and now i’m going through this process with Brennan.
it’s coming along.
it should.
it gets easier every day.
more and more.
it kills me to have to be on his stupid list.
his stupid list of girls he loved a lot but he still loves just not in that way and figured out they would never work out.
did he do all this stuff to Jade too?
or am i the only one in this matter?
i dunno.

i’m in computer graphics right now.
we’re supposed to freaking follow the book on Lesson 2 for all these graphics and shit.
and i don’t think we really need to read the book.
i didn’t read the book before coming into this class and i still got all my assignments done.
so fuck that.
i woke up this morning.
not being able to sleep.
he’s going out with her on saturday for lunch.
it kind of makes me mad.
i’m jealous out of my fucking mind.
but whatever.
fuck all of this.
fuck you.
fuck Brennan.
fuck me.
fuck us.
fuck everything.
this is all so deceided there’s nothing i can do but watch the bus drive on by.
drive on fucking by.
i can only listen to his messages.
he seems to be doing a great fucking job of pretending i don’t exist.
it’s been 10 days.
or 11.
it’s not that bad.
but it should be over soon right?
oh please.
he didn’t even come to say goodbye to me on my flight to New York.
he didn’t even fucking come.
he didn’t even fucking call.
he just let me leave.
well fuck him.
he wanted me gone.
well i am gone.
i started crying this morning.
but then i take a break.
i take in this breath that says to me “what the fuck are youcrying about keren?”
whatever.
maybe it’s better to be in a city where nothing reminds me of him.
and the stupid fucking devil with his stupid fucking antics and Mike.
fuck Mike.
nobody likes him either.
he’s just a stupid look alike.
when in someone’s right mind was i going to be with stupid fucking Brennan.
so fuck that.
fuck him.
it’s better this way.
it’s always better.
college recommendation.
who’s gonna write it for me???!??!?!?!?!?

Dear me.
 i don’t like it here.
not right now. 
i wish it was warmer. 
oh but there’s snow. 
and i saw it. 
and it was great. 
and it was just absoultely wonderful and exciting. 
and everybody just didn’t care. 
because they’ve all seen it all before.
but it made me happy. 
because i’ve never seen snow. 
and it was wonderful. 
it was just absolutely wonderful. 
i saw real snowflakes.
i wish i could decorate classrooms and everything else like in Elf with christmas and snow and snowflakes and everything. 
everything. 
i saw snow.
and it was great. 
it was great. 
i wish i could sleep in. 
it’s so hard to get up in the mornings. 
it’s so hard to know if i’m supposed to be with Brennan.
it’s so hard. 
it’s so hard to know what i’m supposed to do. 
it’s so hard. 
i want to be angry at God for doing this. 
for doing this when i told him not to. 
but at the same time i don’t know if i should be angry because i might be getting everything i want.
i don’t know. i
don’t want him to force me. 
i don’t want him to change things if i don’t see them fit. 
i don’t want him to.
i don’t want him to. 
i just want to see. 
just a little bit. 
a tiny bit. 
i just want to understand. 
just understand a little bit. 
stupid stupid things. 
i’m not stupid. 
i’m very smart and intellectual. 
i don’t know if people think i’ll be anything here.
they probably all think i’m just ditzy and weird and from California. 
haha. 
i don’t know.
i don’t know. 
i don’t want to see that Mike man.
because he’s mean. 
he’s mean and i freaking don’t want to see Brennan. 
because he’s not Brennan.
because Brennan probably thinks i’m ugly. 
Because i don’t know what to think anymore. 
I don’t know how to say the things i want to say. 
I don’t know why people think i’m stupid. 
like some bimbo. 
or airhead. 
or just plain silly. 
i don’t know. 
i don’t make sense to people here. 
and i probably don’t make sense to Brennan either.
i hate this.
i hate everything. 
i talked and argued to “Brennan” last night. 
he wasn’t really there. 
he couldn’t hear me.
 or see me. 
i cried.
i yelled. 
i got mad.
and we just argued. 
and i tried to walk away but i could only get as far as my kitchen to 4 or 5 steps away. 
stupid stupid things i always try to say and do. 
stupid for thinking this is going anywhere. 
for not stopping anything. 
for just hoping and thinking and wishing and getting angry and feeling like i’m nowhere and making no sense and wanting to just make changes and it’s concepts and it’s marks, disappear.
i sent him that song yesterday.
Lack of Color. 
as a reply to the message he sent me last wednesday.
and i sent it but i don’t know if it got sent.
if it’s going anywhere. 
and if he’ll get it.
if he’ll read it.
if he’ll know what it is. 
if he’ll know why.
if he’ll do anything. 
and if he thinks i hate him if i don’t say anything.
i don’t know.

i used to be able to stare at things and pretend like they didn’t know me.
i used to have this additude of violent i don’t give a fuck about you or this world.i used to have that.sometimes i look back and wish i had that.i guess i was just angry.just angry.and i don’t want to be angry.so i guess i don’t have it anymore.i rather be nice.but i am mean.conceited and mean.but that doesn’t matter.because it makes me even more unpredictable.bright lights.bright little computer light.i’ve gone back to listening to punk.especially the distillers.haha yes.and operation ivy.rancid.lars frederickson and the bastards.transplants.all that good stuff.noose –noun

–verb (used with object)

  Gallow To fright or terrify.

why on earth would someone who does not read Runway magazine get a job at the most prestigeous of all fashion magazines in the continent?
and have the most elaborate connections to live in France.
oh dear.
how weird and contradictive is that?
ca ne fait rien.
comment quoi est que j’ai me suis senti aujourdui?
ba c’etait un ti peu triste.
parce que le gars qui se resemble a Brennan, ba je crois qu’il m’appelle un idiot.
et j’avais le sensation de pleurer.
parce que c’est a lui qui porte le visage de Brennan partout.
quand je suis arrivee a la maison je me masturbee qui n’est pas bon je sais.
mais cetter fois je connais pourquoi ce n’etait pas bien.
c’etait parce que je ne savais en quoi penser.
en quoi sentir.
en quoi faire.
je crois que je dois m’occuper avec des activities productive.
parce penser en Brennan n’est pas du tout quelque chose qui me peut aider dan ma vie.
penser s’il aime cette fille Veronique.
penser s’il pense en moi.
penser qu’il me deteste.
qu’il pense que je suis bete.
que je suis un idiot comme le gars m’appelle.
il est ou?
j’en sais jamais.
ca me fait mal.
oui ca me fait mal partout.
j’ai froid.
le temps devien froid.
et il pleut de plusiers en plusiers.
de toute facon aujourdui je recoit des bonnes notes a l’ecole.
parce que je fais mon travaille.
au moins pas tout mais la majorite je fais tout mes devoirs et mon travaille et dan le cours d’histoire mon travaille est toujours excellent.
je vais etre une couturier.
une styliste.
une designeur des modes.
c’est tout.
tu me manques tres fort.
et quand est ce que Papabear va venir?