I GOT MY PERIOD.
i eat whores and kids for breakfast.
I GOT MY PERIOD.
i eat whores and kids for breakfast.
1. In what area(s) of your life was your father absent? Check all that apply:
2. How did your father leave you? well i guess he first came to live with us when we lived in canada and i believe i was 7 or 6 and it was for my big sister Alex’s graduation and i think that was the first time i had ever seen him. and i think he left and i didn’t really feel indifferent but it felt good to be spoiled by someone else and to be able to call him my papi and to be treated like daddy’s girl but there was somethings that confused me like why he told me not to cry or other things like when he’d start to cry and tell me about how much he had missed me and things. and i didn’t really care about him not being there before. and i don’t remember if i expected him to stay or not but i think i didn’t because i didn’t cry or anything when he left. when my mom left just on a little trip to NY i remember i cried and cried so hard because she was leaving. and i even left out my clothes in the night so i could wake up before she left and go with her to the airport, and i brought Papa Bear to say goodbye as well. and i was crying so hard and i watched her go and i didn’t want her to go. yea that didn’t happen with my dad. and then he came when we were in Houston. and i sort of liked these visits he had but this time he stayed untill we moved to Paris and he then he left. and i was bewildered at why. because why would anyone want to leave Paris. and my mom had changed. and i realized he wasn’t a bad man. he was just very troubled and confused and felt so guilty.
3. Why did your father leave you? my mom said he left because he had another family and because he never kept his promises and because he was just using her. i thought he left because he never seemed like he was going to stay anyway. i mean he had never stayed in the past. and i didn’t see why he would stay. he looked depressed like he wanted to go back to his own job in Guatemala and he showed me a picture of his other kids. and he just didn’t seem like he belonged in Canada, or in Houston, or even in Paris, or with my mom, or as my father. He seemed bored. and just like out of place with us.
4. How did your father’s absence affect you? Check all that apply.
(x)fear of success
(X)fear of abandonment
(X)”i don’t belong”
()longing for love
()”i’m a pleaser”
5. Identify at least 5 ways God has revealed himself as a father in your life. First of all, we’ve never run out of money. even when my mom looked and seemed like she was scared that we were we weren’t because God always provided. i’ve always had a house, food, clothes and basically anything i’ve ever wanted. my dad never gave me that. He kept my mom occupied, gave her a job, and friends and things to fill her life outside of my dad, and most of all healing. He lets me talk to him when i need fatherly advice and when i need somebody to hold me and when i desperately want to give him a card on father’s day or talk to a boy for me, well God wants to do that. God saved me from taking my life. God brought a good boy in my life, terribly unsure of what i should do with him though, but he brought Brennan. God keeps me and my sisters safe and connected and just sisters. God moves us around and leads me to my dreams and lets me see so many things and meet so many people and go to different places, and live different experiences and lifestyles.
6. Look at your maternal and paternal family trees. How many fathers abandoned their children? well my dad’s dad killed himself. my dad’s mother slept with a lot of men and had 9 kids. My mom’s father never left them but he drinks and he was mean to them when they were little and my mom’s abuelita raised them.
Feb. 4th, 2007: that saturday we met at Edgewater park or whatever. he walked to Foster City. i had that tea party. he wore that maroon shirt and that big black sweater. and i wore an anchor man t-shirt. and we met up. we walked back to Carol’s. i called him a slut. and he had never heard that before. Carin called and she was in redwood city. and we walked back. and the tea party was over. and we played with a scooter. and then we went to the water. and he threw a rock at a duck. and i told him i hate ducks. and i tried to throw a rock too. but i missed. and then we sat down. and we talked about something. and then Carol called. and then i asked if he believed in God. and he said “i don’t believe in something that doesn’t exist.” and then i said, “ok just to kind of warn you, this lady does believe in God.” and he sat down all sad. and he watched me sometimes. and we boiled potatoes or something. and i put on makeup on him. i put mascara on him. and he starred at me while i was putting it on him. and i really wanted to kiss him. and i got excited inside. and he didn’t. and we went into my room. and i showed him my blanky. and he folded it on my bedside. and he starred at me. and then he asked if he could hug me. and i said yes. and we hugged for a long time. and i liked it. i was being melted inside. and i smelled 212 Men on him. and ciggarettes. we ate. and he touched my hair. and i run my hands on his back. and i don’t know why but i just started to like him that day. just out of the blue. connecting points. and then in the car. he started to touch me and i looked at him through the rear-view mirror. and he just run his fingers on my arm. and he had lost his wallet. and Carol was praying by herself. outloud. and then we got to the mall. and we stopped the car. and he got out. and i got out. and he told me to keep the sweater. and he hugged me.
i wanna see Smokin Aces.
mmm it felt so good to talk to Mister Bear today.
and i really like the way i’ve been sounding.
i sound just like sienna miller edie sedgwick.
i felt so wasted when i had to go.
i hate saying that.
i sound like him.
and now i know how much he hates it when he says that.
i’ve only said that once and i hated it.
i called him my baby boy. my mister.
mmm it felt so good to talk to him.
it really did.
oh i really hope we’ll talk sooner on.
i rode with Minty and his friends today.
like Fuzzy and Ray-ray.
haha and they’re quite the time.
but i’m afraid i looked very ugly.
pale and acne is all over.
but i looked sexy with my glasses on.
oh and i haven’t given him a session in a while.
and oh i really wanted to.
i just couldn’t.
i’ve been considering getting a phone.
but i don’t have money for it.
so please God do something about it.
or maybe Mister Bear can get me one.
because i can’t keep using other people’s phones.
ugh. everything smells like a freaking hospital right now. i watch Factory Girl just about everyday. oh it’s wonderful. i talked to Adri last night. and i came up with a nickname for Mitchell. his new name is Minty. hahah Minty just like in Factory Girl. and everything’s really disgusting and i’m being exposed to all these germs. gosh. it’s really disgusting. everyone acts like they’re dying and they’re all really exaggerated. so i dunno. i think we should all just be nice. i called Brennan early in the morning. 9 or so yesterday. and i started to cry and told him i felt bad. and he told me it was ok. he told me he loved me. and then i kept crying. and he asked me what was wrong. and i said that i was really confused. i was really confused and i felt really bad. and i said, why did you leave me. and i felt like he got really close to me and then he said i already told you why darling girl. i was scared. and then i said i’m scared and i don’t want to go and i really love you and you were mean to me and i waited for you. i really did. and what if i made a mistake in calling you. and you never came back. and then it sounded like he was going to cry and he said “baby girl. darling girl. you’re my diamond. you’re my darling. i love you so much. and i’m never going to let you go. ever again. because it’s too hard to let you go and think of you doing whatever you want. it’s too hard.”
and i started to say “i don’t want to go, i really don’t. please. i could be anything you wanted me to be. i could.”
and i asked him “what do you want from me? brennan what do you want from me?
and he said “i don’t want anything from you i just want you right now. just as you are right now. just right now.”
and he started to give me phone kisses. and he made me laugh because he wouldn’t stop. and he would make me laugh.
i’m just so scared that he loves women and that he’s going to cheat on me with another girl and then i wouldn’t know what to do. and i want to get married with him and give him babies but i don’t know.
i don’t know.
i have to pray and pray so he’ll change.
let me tell you something about san francisco.
i like the way the sun will hit on it just before it goes down.
i like it at night when you’re going down the freeway.
past the airport in millbrae and approching South City or something like that.
i very much like the narrow streets.
the gray sort of windy feeling.
i like the disorder and the feelings of a dirty city even though it really is quite clean.
favorite street: Powell and Market.
i love the restaurants, trendy hotels, and clothing stores.
it makes you feel like you’re rich.
last but not least, Union Square.
the ultimate place to sit down and watch people go by and stare at the stores and reflect on why you love things and what you wanna do and such.
san francisco was always great because it’s city that you never feel alone in.
i really liked the way he looked at me. i really love the way he looks at me. it makes me feel like i’m the best. it makes me feel lilke i have something to live for. it’s quiet enough i want to go to sleep. when he looks at me i say “f sleeping pills”. when he looks at me i don’t need anything else. when he looks at me the world’s on fire and i burn up and disappear into ash. when he looks at me i see myself and lose myself. and i just want him to give me what i want. there’s that calm so calm and patient look in his eyes that makes him such a darling.
oh i dunno why i don’t lilke my mother.
she’s just so dumb and exaggerated.
although i should talk about her like this.
i’m not honoring her.
and i promised God i’d try.
so i must not.
Brennan called at 7.
and i do plan to call him and leave him a goodnight message.
i went to sleep.
i went to sleep at 5 and woke up and 8 or so.
i also saw the number 562-923-6461 as a missed call?
isn’t that bizarre?
that’s Angie and Jerry’s number.
how very peculiar.
how i wish things were so much more different.
don’t you feel it like that?
oh but no i don’t wish that.
Brennan is the only thing that really makes me rack my brain out to the point i can’t sleep.
because i really can’t make any predicitions when it comes to him.
he came into my life one day and turned it upside down again.
and never left.
promised he’d never leave.
and he did.
and then i called him.
and i’m wondering if it was wise decision.
but i did.
and i proved to everyone that i wasn’t scared.
and it’s good to know that i love him that much.
i make a scene all the time right in front of him.
i’m going to study fashion design.
major in Men’s fashion.
design my own pret-a-porter collection des Hommes.
have my own line and my own stores.
and i’m going to make Brennan a superstar.
i’m going to make Mr. Bear famous.
just like Andy Warhol made Edie Sedgwick famous.
“well because i think everybody wants to be famous.”
and then i’m trying to be a makeup artist.
that i’ll do as a side job.
i’ll learn how to work in Vogue Paris.
make collages and spreads and arrange photoshoots.
i’ll do that as well.
and walk through the closet.
and find the most beautiful clothes in the world.
and i’ll also be a dj perhaps.
and i’ll talk just like Edie.
“because my credit’s no good at Bonwitt Taylor…”
“i thought you might be lonely on the watch”
i very much love Sienna Miller Edie better than regular Edie.
i’m a little girl that needs to be taken care of.
and i also want to sponser artists like Steve Snipes and Ryan Keane.
i also want promote bands.
i’ll do so much.
you’re the boss, applesauce.
i’m trying to learn how to talk like Edie so i can sound like a lady and have such a splendid and fabulous interview with Parsons school of design.
i’m also very ready to start my portfolio very soon.
Factory Girl is the best movie ever.
i always say goodnight to Mr. Bear.
oh no. i can’t sleep tonight. i can’t do it. i can’t do it tonight. and i can’t say these things to you on your little message thinger. i can’t. because i can’t put all of this in 2 minute limits. and i can’t because i get all nervous and i feel like i’m being emo or something. but i’m really not. so here we go with these ridiculous emails. haha but at least i say goodnight. i get to say that everyday don’t I? for the least part.
i can’t sleep and i think it’s because i slept earlier. i wanted to sleep today. after i came home from school to lay in my bed and do all the things i do and just not think about you the way i think about you when i’m awake. i woke and i left you that message about my dream. that was a weird dream. and i came to school and 1st period just went right on by. and then 2nd period came and i started to practice for my French speech. i get so nervous and i’m fluent and everything i just get so nervous that i sound funny or American and i start to laugh uncontrollably and then i just don’t make any sense anymore. AP French is hard. it’s not hard to speak but the tests and the speeches are hard. but then again all my classes are either really difficult or fairly easy. 3rd period came and that was cool because that’s English and i have Senior English Seminar with Max. my buddy Max. and that class is basically just discussions about books. Most of the books we discuss are books i already read last year. HA if you take Honors English then you’ll be ready huh?! well thank god i took it. but my buddy max and i were just having some fun with the plot to kill Franchesca and we laugh at her because she told people that Max liked her and i said “HAHA TO BAD HE DOESN’T” and we laughed at her stupid little face. i don’t know why i don’t like her. maybe it’s just the way she thinks she knows everything and she thinks she’s so funny and that everyone likes her. i don’t think so. and i absolutely hate short people. it annoys me how short people are just so freaking short that you have to talk down at them or some annoying crap like that. i hate that. and i hate it when somebody calls me short because i am most definately not short. but anyway. Max is my slave. haha i made him my slave. because i’m a boss. DIPPED IN SAUCE. I FLOSS. TY TY TYCOON. i make him buy me lunch, and walk me to class, and take me home, and carry my stuff, and call me and whatnot. oh and he does it with pleasure too. because in return i let him mock me. and he does it really well and it makes me laugh because i’ll say something and he’ll repeat it in the keren voice and he does it so well! kk. that’s Max. “nice to meet you Max”. then 4th period came by and that’s not really anything special since that’s study hall and i just concentrate on my math homework because i have a C in Math and i have to study for midterms. so i try. i try really hard because i’m a good girl. i really am. then 5th period came by and that’s my favorite because that’s me and MISTAAAHH SNIPES time. yes yes. and i love that boy. i love him to death. we make drawings and make fun of this smart kid that always has the right answers whom we hate and talk about stuff while the teacher tries to lecture. i want him to take me to the city tommorow. with him. i want him to take me. but he said “TOO BAD LITTLE GIRL” and oh no. that made me a little sad. because i want to go and i didn’t understand why he wouldn’t take me with him. and then came P.E. STUPID STUPID P.E. that’s the stupidest class in the world and i just stand there and fix my hair or do my nails or sing to Gwen Stefani or some hippity hop. and i have Mike Shermeyer in that class. i have him in 6th and 7th period. MIKE JONES. he’s that boy who looks like you. and oh he really does. he’s got green eyes just like you when you wear gray and when you wear brown. adlkafaldfkjaf and then he’s got your little nose and your little cheeks and you little wrinkles on his little forehead and oh. one time i put my fingers through his hair. and it felt like yours. oh jeez. it really did. he just looks like you. but he doesn’t have your brilliant smile. you have naturally perfectly aligned teeth. you were born with some nice teeth. and then they’re bright. and white. and shiny. and you smile and you make me go weak in the knees. but he smiles and he makes me smile and that’s it. that’s just about it. he had braces and what not. it’s a nice smile though. but it’s not yours. he doesn’t look at me the way you do. and sometimes i wish and i wish and i wish he could. i wish he could just look at me the way you did even if it’s for a moment. and i try. i try to make him look at me the way you do. i try to get his attention and i try to make him laugh and i try to make him smile at me. and i try and i try. and sometimes he does. sometimes we really just hit it off. and sometimes he really doesn’t. and he never will. because he doesn’t know me like you do. he thinks i’m some silly girl with a crush on him and a mean big cousin that will kick his ass. hee hee. but yes. today i told him about my dream. and he was wearing a shirt that said “West Hampton Beach Highschool Soccor” and he’s number 3 and it made me freaking laugh. it made me laugh so hard because we talked about that last night. i was like “soccor sucks BLAH BLAH BLAH and you were like nah soccor’s pretty cool BLAH BLAH BLAH” and i started to laugh and i wish he got it. but he didn’t. he asked me if i thought his outfit sucked and i just pretended like that’s what made me laugh the whole time. oh brennan. he looks just like you. he doesn’t act like you or look at me like you. we don’t talk about the same things. but i wish and i wish and i wish he was. i came up really close to him today. i came up really close. so close i could smell him. and he smells and he reeks like Abercrombie and Fitch. and it’s not a bad smell. but i wanted to smell 2 completely different things. i wanted to smell deordorant and soap and you and 212 Men and ciggarettes. and sometimes i want to smell deoradorant and soap and you and Lacoste Essentials that i sprayed all over your nice shirts and your nice pants and your boxers. you are in your shining light when you get out of the shower all dressed. you are in your shining light.
i wanted to smell that.
but all i smelled was Abercrobie and Fitch.
i told him to do something with me. i came up to him and he looked at me and he smiled. and smiled. and i came closer and told him to do something with me. and then i said MIKE JONES. and he laughed. he laughed and i really wanted to make him laugh. i wanted to make him laugh. i wanted to make you laugh and talk to you. not that stupid lady that takes my messages and says “i’m sorry but you cannot record messages more than 120 seconds”. what a cracker. gosh. so he did. he drove me home. and the whole time it wasn’t you. it wasn’t your smell. or your smile. or you. he’s just this weird guy that lets me toy with him. just this weird guy that thinks everyone is an easy target. and i know he thinks i like him. but i don’t. i just miss you.
i keep thinking about what happened and how this all ended. i keep thinking about it. and it makes me cry. it makes me cry. i wish i could tell you how much i want you. how much i think about you. how much i wanted to hear your voice again telling me over and over again that you love me. that you love me. i want Mister Bear. i want him so bad it makes me sick. i want him so bad i want to go to sleep with him and his arms and his scent and they way he sleeps. i used to sleep with one eye open. so i see you breathing. watch you breathe in. exhale. with your little eyes. and it makes me mad. it makes me mad. you left. and i can’t let that go. and i want to go back. i’m still in love. like that stills song. it’s like one of those cd’s that you used to play over and over again and then you stopped hearing it for a while but then you hear it again and you’re like “OMG ADLAKFJASLDKFJASLKJFASJFD I LOVE IT”. and i’m always so mad and so angry at you. so mad and so angry. and you say something and then it all just goes away. and i want to tell you in some many ways to make you understand. i want to tell you in any way. all the ways. i know i need to let go and forget about the past. after all. we’re just friends. but don’t know what to do when it comes to you. i hate to freaking share. i hate to share. and i hate to do it. i hate it. i hate it when you go. i hate it when you tell me you have to go. i hate it when you lie. i hate it. i left and you never came to the airport. and then we hardly ever talked. i remember i arrived in the airport and i thought of you. i called Jeff’s phone. and he answered. and i started to get really nervous but i was like hi jeff this is keren, brennan’s friend and he said oh hi keren and i said is brennan there and he said uh no he’s not with me right now but i can hit up some people and see where’s he’s at and i said oh no that’s ok jeff and he said are you sure? i could do it right now and i said no that’s ok thank you and i was going to hang up and he said alright well then i’ll tell him you called and i said no that’s ok and he started to pause and i said don’t tell him i called it’s ok and then he said ok i won’t and then i said thank you goodbye and i hung up and he did tell you. i know he did. you gave it away. and then we talked every other week after that. and that’s when you started to tell me you had to go. and that’s when i started to miss you day after day after day. but i didn’t want to call. because i thought that it was going to be easier for me to go. and then you went to hawaii. and you called me when you came back. and then you said i have to go. and you did. and then we talked every week sometimes. after that. and then you got a job. and then i tried to call you every morning. but then things just got worse. you started to get mad at things all of sudden. and you started not to care about things you used to care about. and i started to feel like it wasn’t very long till this was over. and sometimes i tried to speed things up and make you go away faster because i thought i’d feel less hurt but i still wanted my bear back and when i’d call you and tell you i wanted back you’d say something like you always do and you make me stop crying. you make me stop crying and you make me want Mister Bear. and my baby boy. and you call me your darling girl and your miss and your karebear. and then i want to stay. then i want to stay because i never wanted to go in the first place. and then it happens again. and this time you started to flirt with other girls. and i always knew you did that. i always knew that. you’ve been a slut since day 1. haha i know that. it’s not really a good thing. it always made me feel bad for you and those girls. and then i started to like you. so it started to make feel like that was just who you were. and you weren’t doing it because you were interested. you were doing it because it was fun for you. it was fun. and it is fun. but i do it when i’m interested. and you started to talk to me about all the ones you flirted with and what they looked like and what they liked about you. and then it made me sad. it made me mad. because i don’t like to share. i hate freaking sharing. but i didn’t say anything. because it’s not my place. it’s not my place to tell you what to do. you have every right to do what you want. so i held my tongue.
and now i remember.
you mentioned that Veronique girl before. you had mentioned her way before all of this. you told me you had hung out with these 2 girls and how they didn’t drink and how you had fun and how they told you that you look like adam brody. and i said how stupid because you don’t look like adam brody. and you didn’t say anything. and then i remeber you mentioned her and you said but she has a boyfriend… and i remember that day. i told you i didn’t care. i didn’t give a fuck about her or those other girls. and you said i’ll just tell jeff about it then. and i didn’t know what that was supposed to mean.
but now i remember.
and thanksgiving day. you sent her flowers didn’t you? i heard that. but of course i didn’t know that on Thursday. i called you. we talked for 6 minutes. and you had no desire to say anything to me. you acted like you had no clue on earth why i would call you. and it confused me. and so i got scared and hung up. and you didn’t call back. and then the next day. somebody told me you sent a girl flowers. you sent a girl roses. and it made me think. wow. now i don’t know much about roses. except that i hate them. but i have my own lavish tastes that don’t include roses. i only like one kind of flower. so i knew they must not be for me. and i hang out with boys. i hang out with a lot of boys. so i know when you send someone roses, it’s not for her grandma. right? am i right? and i figured. that i wasn’t a part of your life anymore. and i deceided that it was time for me to leave. and i called. to get my bear back. and the thing that made me mad. was not the fact that you sent her flowers. it was the fact that you couldn’t send me my own bear whom i loved but you could send someone roses. whenever. and you couldn’t send me my own bear when i asked and pleaded over and over again. and the way you spoke to me. set the blame on me. you know. i’m not stupid. and i don’t know how many times i’ll have to say it so that you’ll remember it. everything always comes up to the surface. and i asked you why. i asked you why. and you said some bullshit. you lied to me. again. and then you asked me what i wanted to hear. and i said tell me you don’t love me any more and that you don’t want to see me anymore or speak to me anymore. and you said it. and i hung up. and you never called back.
for a month.
and now i’m having a nice reaccquantanance with your answering machine. and your i have to gos. and suddenly i’m lost again.
you know what i’m scared of? that now that i’m openly telling you that i want to see you today. i want to see you tommorrow. and after that. and after that. and after that. that i want to hear your voice. the only thing i want to hear. that i spent night after fucking night after night wanting you to tell me it was ok. that you were still there. is this a mistake Brennan? should i not be doing this? i want to be with you. i don’t know how simpler you want me to put it for you. i want to be with you. and this distance sucks. but we’re big kids. we’ve done it. and we’re getting bigger. and i have my life here. but i am not scared to make you a part of it. because if you told me the truth. if you told me that when you saw me. when you were with me. i was what you wanted. then i’d know that you were what i had been wanting for a very long time. 17 years or so. and i wouldn’t care about the things we lack. because they all come in their due time. oh brennan. i’m sorry i keep bringing this up. but this is on my mind. and if you don’t want to read this anymore. then don’t. just don’t. but i will keep writing this. because i’m so confused. and i keep praying but it leads me to calling you. it leads me to sitting here and writing this. if i could escape i would. but first of all let me just say that i must apoligize for acting so mean and treating you this way. i have acted like sour milk spilled all over the floor. but i feel like it’s your fault because you didn’t close the refrigerator door and maybe that’s why i’ve been acting so cold. but if i could escape and recreate a place that’s my own world. Keren’s World. oh jeez. I’M A BOSS. and i could be your favorite girl. perfectly together. now tell me brennan wouldn’t that be sweet? if i could be sweet and pleasant. i know i’ve been a real bad girl. but i’m trying to change. i told you in that lame message. i don’t mean for you to get hurt. i’m writing this because i feel like it’s always going to feel like there’s something missing if i don’t. whatsoever. we can make it better. now tell me brennan wouldn’t that be sweet? You held me down. I’m at my lowest boiling point. Come help me out, I need to get out of this. Instead of clowning around, lets look for some common ground. So baby, times get a little crazy and I’ve been getting a little lazy waiting on you to come save me. I wanted you with me. Lose myself in your eyes. we talk some shit then take it back. are we cursed to this life? here’s this letter for you but the words get confused and the conversation dies. Do one thing for me tonight. do you still feel the same way? ah i dunno.
i have to go to school tommorow. GODDAMN.
o i guess saturday morning we talked with Brennan.
and things got to back to the way i wanted to feel more and more.
it tears me up inside when i think he was going to fall in love with that Veronique girl.
to think that he was going to replace me.
and i don’t know.
i guess to a certain point i still hesitate.
i still want to change my mind and stay on my own corner and pretend.
but he told me “it feels so good to hear your voice again. why is it so sweet to hear?”
and i know that it’s cheesy.
but he’s an emo boy.
so i’m used to it.
i get jealous.
i get so sad.
i get so sick.
i want to feel the extreame of what i have felt before.
for somebody else.
but for Brennan.
i want to feel the same things.
mister snipes called and asked me if i wanna go see Pan’s Labyrinth.
nope nope nope.
i don’t wanna see that fantasy shit.
that harry potter lord of the rings bull shit.
i forgot what i wanted to say.
Can I just say to you, you were only right, again.
Ms. Keren Morataya Delgato
Dunno if I spelled it right, but i suck, whatever. Keren, I just talked to you a few days ago. I called you again today, well technically yesterday, it is 12:48 AM and I have forgotten how to type.
sorry, i always stray from subject. never that direct really, only when the times i conciously want to. So, we had a conversation. One i don’t rememeber but, I do remember saying I’ve missed you. And as I said those words, that feeling came back to me. the one where im just sitting there, smoking my cigarettes in the sun. watching my shadow move when I do. Thinking of that time with you. walking in the sun. sitting next to the lagoon, doing shit. just sitting. touching, eating. You have no idea, when you told me to say those words, “I don’t love you and i don’t want to talk to you” I said it because you told me to, and I thought that’s what you really wanted from me. Keren, I knew from the start I was lieing to you. Ms. you are tough. But, really. When I think about you sometimes. I melt. my eyes turn to fade, and I just want to stop everything. I don’t make sense I don’t at all.
Just like that. I met this girl. I looked at her and I wanted to see you. In her. She’s girly, just like you were. sweet, but not as sweet. tender in every way. You’re older than her by 10 days. Her name is Veronique. And I’ve only wanted to hug her and hold her in my arms just like when I had you. She liked it when I talked sweet to her. oh man. jeez. Keren, I was thinking about you every time I drove past foster city. never went in but only once. I drove down edgewater and stopped near the lagoon, I went and stared at the water. it was night just like before. i smoked a cigarette and thought of you. I saw the parks and the apartments. they are almost done working on them. Drove past chipotle poo burrito shop and that asian market. your old place of residence and down back to hillsdale blv. all that time, i see those distant brown eyes that look away from me every time i look down at her. I threw that picture away. although I have everything else. all those other pictures, those sweet letters you wrote to me. And then Veronique comes in, she did it the same, only I was pretending it was you. she gets mean when she’s on her period, just like you can.
she knows fashion all too well. you’d get along with her very well, she’s very beautiful.
I’ve only kissed her once, and she kissed me. of all the ways it could have happened, she ended up kissing me. so i kissed her back, that instant gratification, i thought of somebody else, somebody before her this girl, i hardly know. it felt great, to start all over. but, the only thing to kill it. she has somebody else. somebody she loves and can’t see out of her life. her loving boyfriend tim.
she said to me I was everything she ever wanted when she was younger. Just like you. She made me fucking melt to the floor and bleed into the fucking ground. It turned me upside down and I wanted to scream so loud. it was happening to me all over again. She had me promise her i’d stay in her life. That im sombody that’s there, and I fucking crashed down and cried after I got off the phone with her. I thought of one person. I know im an emotional boy and you’ll probably laugh at this email, but man. Keren Stephanie Morataya. Damn. I want to speak french, I want to go to paris and sit on a bench, see everything you’ve spoke of. I like to color, I want to put a 2k diamond ring on my wifes finger, I dress only in express and banana republic. I think of you still madam. I still love you, Keren. Where are you in my life right now. New York. living yours.
Dean Martin. Memories are made of this. One day. One boy. One girl. a little bit of grief and a little bit of joy! fuck man, you called me and I was so shocked. I told jeff and he asked if i talked to you and I said no, and fuck man. he said call you back and I said no, i was scared to talk to you, because man, you cut and kick my heart and I left my self, and I was thinking of myself and you, us togther somewhere just me and you. fuck dude, we aren’t even friends. it makes me sad, disappointed.
i tried to run away, i could have done it too. after all im a boy, im a boy who’s always good at hiding his past. everything he does is a lie, a lie to himself most of all. one day, i’ll be able to live free. maybe that’lll be when im old. im old with a cane and mean. all day long. but till then, i’ll be honest and truthful as much as i can, i lie a lot. i do, i’ve lied to you to keep you to make you love me to make you fall in love, and i made you push and shove me push and shove all the whole time. i was in the city and i saw those people, how they dress. they dress so good and sleek. i want to go to new york and see those people. see how they dress. pimps crackheads whores businessmen and women publicists whatever people on the go, not noticing a thing. but me. The fuckin cali grown motha fuckin westside or die motha fucker that smokes pot and stares at everything.
Everything. I love it all, peoples movements their breath, man.
stop my rambling and get on with it. im just a fool.
Keren, please talk to me. for that fucker who looks like me. fuck him, he’s not me. He can’t be the Yami, there is only one. And that guess on how you know he likes to get girls drunk and try to fuck them. Well I can’t so you can tell me. And i’ll let my possessiveness take over for this once. if he did that to you, i’d kill him.
Keren, I’d end his fucking life with my hands.
Anyone could say that to you. and only I could mean it.
I have money to do somthing spontaneous. I wonder. Cabs are cheap in new york yes?
maybe so, it’s late im going to call you soon. probably when you’re awake for school. 1 hour, enuff for cdtime. then you. i want to catch up with you. i do.
Don’t ever think i’ll forget about you. fucker, that’s mean. you were that girl who loved me. you looked at me and I saw you. fuck man, you called and it said Keren, I don’t know if that’s all you wanted. my parents address. You still sound the same, still that Keren who has such wonderful stories. fuckin Keren.” —B
1. Journal your journey through this book. Today i’ve read the second chapter, and i feel like it does help really. but at the same time i don’t really feel that much towards my father. i can’t find SO much bitterness towards him since i feel like i gear it more towards “father figures” or males that have filled that emptiness in my mind, heart and soul. Males that i’ve let fill that even if they’re not aware of it or i wasn’t either when i did it. I guess that’s what i feel most guilty about everytime i go further in this book. and i can trace it to the broken promises of my father. at the same time, i also get mad at my mother, because she seems to have given me the idea my father is no good. and that is very contradicting to what i’ve seen and what God has created. i understand that he makes mistakes, and that he’s made alot, and that he has crossed my life in a more challenging way then i see it, but i guess his absense led me to relationships, intense ones with very real and serious feelings. and that led me to place distrust and a lot of hate and anger towards that. there was no other way that i learned to feel towards people after that. and the violence that my mother portrays is also there. the alcoholism my whole culture portrays is now beggining to allure me, and just the simple fact that the models in my life never showed me what a REAL relationship is supposed to be. just the movies. and the media confuses me. because at the end, i still get hurt. and i rely on my Father as well. to guide me with His Word and through prayer. but i often get lazy or just choose not to obey and be bad. so then i end up feeling what i don’t want to feel. and it’s all very hard to place a connection. but i am aware that there is a very strong connection with the fact that i was born and my father wasn’t there till i was about 7 then he wasn’t there for a little and then he was when i was 9. then he left again and i just saw him as a really good person but that was about it. someone that people always talked about and that did so many things to my mom. and sometimes i do get angry. because i feel like he’s not providing like he should. so yes. and then i am now seeing what i see in men and why i do things and such. but most of all, why i’m so afraid.
2. What is your view of your earthly father? I guess you could read the journal entry, but yes as i was saying, i feel like he was just a very confused, and depressed and lost man just trying to find his own piece of mind. and i do see how the combination with my mother and her past was a very bad one. i do see how it might have been a good friendship or something positive in each other’s lives if the wounds they assigned to each other to heal, would have been brought to God FIRST. i see now that there is one mistake i was begginning to make. In my opinion, he never really did anything bad to me. He never abused me sexually or emotionally or physically or anything like that. I just don’t know him. i get a phonecall every now and then from him. but i haven’t received any. and i constantly long for someone to make it all better. so that i can cry and tell all my things to and have them call me nice things and tell me nice things about me and all that stuff i know your father’s supposed to have done. but sometimes (often) i try to or i assign that father role to males. such as right now, Brennan. not exactly at this moment but i do know that when we don’t talk or when i get angry or when i pushed him away or just our whole relationship is often made into something else for me. something where it’s like i can adress my own father in him. and i know that’s bad. because he CAN’T fill that void, even if he really wanted to. he wasn’t designed to fill KEREN’S FATHER’S ROLE. so the more that i search into why i do things or why i’ve hurt him it’s because in my mind and in my heart, i feel neglect from him. like he’s not filling KEREN’S FATHER’S ROLE. like i feel he’s supposed to. i want to learn from Jesus that i don’t need Brennan for that. and that he really can’t do that. I also just want to clear up in my head what my father means to ME. not to my sisters or my mom because they had a different past and different relationship than i did. i wasn’t there when he was mean or anything like that. i just saw him as a child where he lived with us and i even remeber feeling kind of uncomfortable calling him my dad because he didn’t feel like that. and my mom always made me feel like God was my father. that God was only thing that wouldn’t fail me. I just really want to improve on my relationship with others and especially towards intimimate relationships with males. such as Brennan. so that when i speak, i won’t speak words of discouragement or tear his spirit down or fill my future with guilt or sadness. i want to be his friend. i want to be someone he likes. as in a pleasant person to be around. and not someone who’s just looking to assign him my piece of mind. i want to find my piece of mind.
3. What is your view on your heavenly Father? God has always been there. and i know. i know he hears me. personal experience proves it. i know that he is really my Father. there is no other person that can take the responsibility for me like has done. But i don’t listen. I get impatient with him. i get tangled up in myself, in what i want, in what i feel and in my own misery. I sometimes get frustrated with him and forget his love and just see his rules and control and punishment. i don’t let him do his job. i don’t have faith. i don’t ask him for wisdom. and i want to do this. i want to learn to honor him. to respect him. to OBEY him. to be a better child of God. to rely on him for everything. EVERYTHING. and i know he can do it. i know that all i need is him. his love. that he provides everything. that if the world and everything in it was taken away from me, and he was still there i would be more than ok. he’s real. and he’s the only real thing i’m ever to have. he’s the only thing that lasts. he’s the only thing that never stops. never leaves. and never will. he’s perfect. and he’s the only one that is. and i want him to help to shape my relationships through HIM. i want him to be the foundation of my life and everything that extends out of it. so that i can be a light. and be the salt of the earth instead of something bad.
4. On a forgiveness scale from 1 to 10 (1=Completeley UNforgiven, 10=Completely forgiven) how close are you to forgiving your father? 8
5. How do you honestly feel about Ephesians 6:2-3? Are you obeying these verses? When it comes to my earthly father, i feel i can follow these verses, only i need to improve on doing it better, when it comes to my mother, i REALLY need to improve on that because i guess i’m really anger towards her, and then with God, i need to just really surrender everything.
i called him.
and my heart started to pump so fast.
wow really fast.
and and i just did it.
i just dialed his number and called.
and i wasn’t really sure about what i would say.
but i did it.
and he didn’t answer it.
it sounds like he turned it off.
i gave the phone to Mitchell and told him to just tell whoever called that i wasn’t there.
i’m still shaking.
i just read this one conversation of aim we once had.
and i deceided i’d call.
i very much like it right now.
i really do.
got my period today and i’m not feeling good at all.
not at all.
i feel like i’m dying a slow and yet painful death.
it doesn’t feel like 17 years old is coming up in just 2 days.
i feel like the same old pretty keren.
you can hear almost anything if you keep the window open and sit quietly and listen.
you can hear almost anything.
i don’t know why but lately i’ve been happier.
well i guess in the afternoons and during school.
there are brief moments when i forget about the slut.
and i sort of am happy.
and then i come home.
and i lie in bed before i go to bed.
and i think about him.
and i’m happy for a little.
because it feels like he’s really there.
and i sort of talk to him.
and i just go on and on about my day.
and i remember things.
stories he told me.
of things he used to do and of his friends and family.
or how i used to cry sometimes.
and he used to tell me to stop crying because there was nothing to cry about.
or sometimes i’d cry because he was being mean and he’d say that he was so sorry and that he shouldn’t have said those things.
one time he told me he hated to make me upset.
and i know people are “supposed” to say that.
but this is my blog.
i used to read James Frey and cry.
cry really hard.
because sometimes i got so mad at James for just getting over Lily like that.
like having other people in his life.
and i know humans are supposed to do that.
and i guess deep down inside he always loves and will love Lily because she was the one.
but it makes me so mad.
and it makes me upset.
because i know that’s what the Slut is doing.
i wish he wasn’t.
i wish he wasn’t.
because i’m not.
i may be not talking to him or calling him but i’m not trying to replace him.
and sometimes i lock arms with someone and hold on to them really tightly.
sometimes i just want to feel that again.
because i used to do that to him.
and it just felt like we were best friends walking down the same old path.
i really like that feeling and rush i got.
and now that’s gone.
everything is gone.
sometimes i wake up.
and i’m sad.
Mr. Wisnoski said that a Native American cheif Joseph’s autopsy said he died of a broken heart.
and i wonder if that could happen to me.
that your body just stops because you litterally have no will to live.
i’m mean to my mom.
i really am.
and sometimes i do it without realizing it.
i don’t know i’m always so angry at her.
although i do talk to her about the slut.
i do tell her sometimes about what i feel.
like when we go shopping and i start to cry when i talk about him.
and she’s not angry at him.
i just really wish he wasn’t all gone.
i shouldn’t be so mean to my mom.
i don’t know if the slut will call for my birthday.
he didn’t on x-mas.
he didn’t on new year’s.
and i don’t know if he will for my birthday.
i really don’t know.
but i had this conversation where i heard someone say “why didn’t you tell him this before? you should have called him and told him what you felt.”
and then the other person was like “i know but what if i called and they didn’t want to talk to me and nothing got fixed”
and the other person said “well at least later on you have proof that you tried. that you at least tried. because if when you want seomthing you have to go out and get it. and sometimes it slips but if you lost a book that you needed for Science wouldn’t you look for it even if you think you’re not going to find it?”
and i was sort of starring at them.
and then one of them looked at me so i couldn’t keep listening.
so i don’t know if i might just do it myself.
but i really feel like i should wait.