i’m tired of having weird things happen to me and not being able to control things and being alone sometimes when you really don’t want to be and not say things outloud that really mean so much to you.
i don’t know why i can’t have anyone over, oh yea, because our room is ugly. the walls should be bare, but they’re not and i don’t feel comfortable without not putting up polaroids and cool pictures from magazines and baby pictures only of me because Brennan doesn’t have any with him.
Brennan’s birthday is coming up and i don’t have anything to give because i gave him all my ideas and he thinks they’re all stupid. i am sad because it makes me not want to give him anything. not do anything. just leave and let the whole day pass by because he sucks and i don’t know what to do for a birthday feeling that way.
i’m tired and my mananger Melissa told me that i sucked for being tired because working 7 days a week is not really that bad, at least with 4 hour to 4.5 hour shifts. maybe she’s right. maybe i’m right. maybe i’m reallyl just tired.
i’m going to write a letter to Nylon magazine and write about Charphil and John/Constance. i think you should check those out too because they’re amazing. i have such a good time listening to their music, because it was really made with quality and with heart…i believe thats the best way to make music.

now i have more things to say.
new updates:
applying once again to schools because taking a year off is not in the picture anymore. i discussed the idea with my mom who said, no. in reality, i think that is’t the best way to keep me focused and on the same page, and at the same age as everyone else.
i’m applying to FIDM, academy of art, and the art institute of san francisco. im confident that san francisco will do me well at least for 2 years, and then i can move on to really thinking about Paris which still holds my heart and my home all in one.
i’m mad at Brennan for saying “see you later” earlier this afternoon. he went to Berkeley for some fucking frat party with our roomate Daniel. i had to work. and all i have to say is that i’m mad about it. actually no, that’s not all. there’s more.
i don’t like that i have to feel bad about not hanging out with him one day, yet it’s so easy for him to do it. maybe it’s because he needs time away. i think he should go to Missouri for his birthday and be with his family, and be away from him. i don’t like his friends, and it seems as if everything we do together is never enough anymore. the troubles of living together. they really suck. and i hate the world and god and whoever else could and is responsible for it. i dont’ wish i was 14 years old again, but in a better place, in a better time, with a better mindset.
i need vision.

i have no idea what could be going on in another life. all i know is what could be happening to me at the moment and where i belive i’m going.
but stop everything that you believe, everything that you feel, it’s about what you think. 
i don’t know why i’m starting to despise Bebe and working there and my co-workers. perhaps because right now i’m learning to love what i can do with my hands. i think i know fashion pretty well, but the problem persists at Peet’s as well, it’s all of this thing where you need your clients, you need to put on a good face for your superiors, and yourself, you as an individual, matter to a certain extent. that is the point where you say you have complete freedom, but the real means you believe that you’re still completely limited.
maybe this is all a learning process, but just at the very moment i don’t understand why all of this might be going to rage. building really.
i don’t want to design anything with my hands, think of what could be there. i really just want to make a living out of organizing things. especially fashion because it’s the most precise yet complicated and fun field of all. maybe i will always be under the guidance of someone, someone who knows more than i do, however, i wish i could just work freely and not be clustered by what people think of me. 
i want to travel and do what people instruct me to do, and make money out of what i do best. make things shiny, appealing, and easy for people. maybe working at a magazine for some time might also help me. i don’t know if i can stand doing just one thing forever, but i think that’s what so grand about fashion. the industry has so many aspects of it. perhaps i  just want to learn how to be versatile and learn how to do number of things instead of one. maybe i just want to have a bunch of things in my hand that say, “oh yea she can do this too.”
i don’t know where i’m headed, but i think this is just one hurdle over several. i hate it when link does that gross thing with his eyes.
i was so sure that Brennan wasn’t coming to Paris with me.
maybe i’m wrong, and i hope i am but i’m most certain that maybe i’m not.
Melissa may have her methods, but the most important thing is to remember she’s not your friend, she’s your boss. maybe that’s why i’m starting to not like her. maybe she’s not doing her job the way you would expect her to. and maybe you think we’re all friends, but in the end, you’re all really not.